This year has certainly sucked.
But I think this past week has allowed me to realize some things. One thing in particular, it’s time to be selfish.
My year has sucked, and so has a lot of other peoples year, but I can’t help anyone until I help myself. I’ve been hurting since just before the year started and many more things have happened that has caused the hurt to only grow and I have not yet addressed any of that pain; instead I’ve been helping others address their pain and have been letting mine sit and in turn my life has become stagnant. I’ve stayed in the same place, except my misery has grown as everyone else’s has gotten lighter.
I looked in the mirror and saw how horribly I’ve been wearing my depression. I’ve been depressed emotionally and I’ve also been treating my body like crap, so I’m literally feeding the depression by not treating my body in a respectful, healthy way. I have gained weight and feel horrible in my skin both physically and emotionally and I think it’s time I get my shit together. Stop caring about others needs and only worry about mine.
Today was the first day where I put this into action.
Even one girl annoyed me (by smacking my ass) and I ignored her and didn’t respond to it at all other than making a face she probably didn’t see (as I HATE her smacking my ass) and she wanted to know why I didn’t respond to her, and for a split second I felt bad, then I refused to let myself feel bad and told her well I’m in the middle of a conversation and kept walking.
So here’s to a somewhat healthier future, but definitely a much more selfish future.
So for the past few days I’ve been going to this trail which is beautiful; it’s right near my apartment. There are deer who live in there, chipmunks, red birds, all of these beautiful animals and there’s a river that flows through it - the Tookany Creek River to be exact and I found something special in there. I found this baby waterfall, my own piece of serenity, so I sit in the middle of the waterfall as there’s this one dry spot that can fit two people if you climb the rocks to get there.
Today though, I came back to the trail after a few light showers over night and it was so different in there; all of these big strong trees came crashing down, there were no land animals out except squirrels. My path was constantly interrupted by fallen branches, but I had my mind on the goal and kept on going. I finally reached the waterfall where that two person seat was now streaming with water, so I had to find another place to sit. Before you reach the waterfall, there is a couple of huge rocks that were still above water but I wanted to go to my serenity - to my waterfall so I didn’t go back. Instead, I stood there and watched the waterfall knowing I couldn’t sit beside it today, and while I was watching it I saw something I didn’t really expect to see. On one of the final rocks closest to the falls, there was a huge turtle sitting there constantly being hit by the water. Naturally, I decided it was my goal to save it. So I tried to find a way to him as many of my climbing rocks were under water; so I took to the tree that had fallen (though way before I had come even the first time) and sat on there trying to figure out if there was something I could do, and was this a snapping turtle? I realized quickly, there was no saving this turtle any time soon. So I stared watching him as his head was tucked in his shell and realized that sitting beside the waterfall, it’s one of the most beautiful things to watch and listen to; but being beneath the waterfall and having it come crashing down on you is probably the worst feeling and sound to listen to. It’s a lot like life; it can be a beautiful thing, but when life comes crashing down on you, it’s miserable, and it sucks and there’s no where you’d rather be than not there living it. So then I continued to think about the turtle, and wondered did he come from the bottom of the waterfall or did the water drag him to the rocks, and where is his family, and if I can save him; where do I put him? This water, whether it be the top of the falls or the bottom, is his home - just like this earth is mine - and sometimes your home can push you to where you’re at rock bottom; there can be different family drama, different drama altogether, but when home isn’t a safe place, life is suddenly harder. A lot harder. It’s scary to be separated from those you love, to never know if you’ll be able to see them again; and so I left. I walked away and found my way back to my temporary home through the bushes and the branches and the fallen trees, and prayed for a miracle. For both myself and that turtle.
The effects of a few small showers really can ruin something beautiful.
As some of you may know, this has been one of the most emotionally wrenching years for me. Many things have happened and there has been little escape from it all.
I was browsing through my old posts just before writing this and found one goal I made for myself to achieve by 2016, and had to come to fruition it is something that will never happen; and so I cried. I’ve been doing a lot of crying lately, unfortunately more for the bad than the good.
In high school, I was an emotional wreck, but I never cried and that is something I wish I could have again; the feeling of falling apart but still somehow keeping myself together. These days though, I can’t open a jar of garlic or someone finished my italian bread and I am crying…literally.
They say time changes you, things in your life change you and you view the world differently and while crying nearly every day is something that is by no means a good thing; somehow I’m still better than I was in HS where I could play the role that I was okay even though I wasn’t.
Today there are real problems occurring, just not insecurity and hormones (though those are still alive and well today), and while I’m crying all of the time, there is also a weird sense of strength that I have that has not been with me before. This year has grabbed me and shaken me in ways I can’t even imagine; this is the year I will forever lose a lot of the most important, influential, interesting people in my life likely, this is the year I lost a big part of myself, but I’m also finding a different part of myself.
You see, naturally I’m a very pessimistic person, you’re glass is always empty kinda gal, but I’ve found myself being so hurt and so broken this year that all I’ve had left is finding strength and searching for the positive. My glass is certainly half empty today, btu it’s not completely empty as it always has been in the past and I think that’s admirable. Not just that I’m becoming a more positive person, but that despite what this year has brought me and despite how much this year has hurt me in ways I never imagined, I’m doing something different and searching for the positive and that I am proud of. So although I’ll never be able to take my grandpa to Italy and visit our past, I will go to Italy with a picture of him and bring him with me every where I go and make all of my bets for him and maybe those days I’m there I’ll find that part of me that I’ve lost from the series of unfortunate events this year starting way at the end of 2013.
Haaaalf way there.
I think some of the best posts are posts about nothing; with no intention, no will, just the desire to write.
Three midterms in one week and you would think I’m ready to cry, but no. Chris is annoying me to no end though. He likes to be logical, and I like to eat my worries at restaurants. Apparently that’s a wallet issue; but it ain’t his wallet. Shoo.
I’ve learned today that Alyssa has Down Syndrome, Jason has CHARGE and Amanda has Pierre Robbin Sequence. Why do I know all of these lies? Because that is how I choose to study. Whomever presented the topic, is now inflicted with the topic. Tough break for Steph T who was just inflicted with HIV. Poor kid didn’t even know what hit her.
I love life. I wanna start up my running again; though with my old trainers. My new ones cause me to fall and nearly break my knee; that ain’t fun. But I am gonna take zumba soon so my latino rhythm will not be making a preview anytime soon seeming I have no rhythm but white girl rhythm and we all know how that goes.
As much as in the dumps as I have been, I have such amazing people around me to be in the dumps with. And at least things will be looking up in a few years down the line according to Ms. Tarot card lady. So I only have to wait a couple years for something good to happen in my life. No sweat. :)
I finally got to take my friends to NY; that was so fun. Umami. Yuuum.
I’m no longer vegetarian as of yesterday, but it’s giving me a lot of anxiety to not be so I think I may return to being one. I just don’t feel healthy anymore.
Some life changes need to be made and it’s about time I take action; after midterms though.
Yep. Tha’ts really all that’s on my mind.
LOVE YOU CHANCEY!
Fun fact! Dogs lick the mouths of those they consider higher in rank! So if you lick them back, they are not offended, they just don’t see themselves as higher than you and they are confused! The second dog must be a very loyal dog because he or she literally refuses to be licked back haha! I love dogs.
There is such a misconception about how we all define best friend. It changes daily, it changes all the time. It’s something that changes based off of where you are in life and what you need around you.
At this point, I can honestly say (probably for the hundredth time in my life) that I have the best friends possible. It’s so different to be surrounded by two people who actually want the best not only for you, but for your family as well. You have people who pretend they want the best for you, for your family, but I actually have friends now who put in the effort to make that happen. I’ve never had friends like that before. Refreshing.
I am just so lucky to be blessed in so many ways and so many new ways daily.
the fear stops the want (65/365)
My favorite quote comes into play today. I’ve learned and I’ve taken that high school discovered quote and came to terms with living it. “Things change, people, they all go away sooner or later. you can’t hold onto them anymore than you can hold onto the moonlight. if they’ve touched you, if they’re inside you, then they’re still yours. the only things you really have in this world are the things you hold inside your heart.” you may lose people, family, lovers, friends but in the end all of those moments you had with them, the good the bad the ugly were worth having. and you laughed and you cried together and you yelled at each other and you moved on and you forgot and you remembered and you left. but all of those different emotions you experienced together are still there, they’re still inside your heart. if you can remember their name, their face, anything at all they’re always going to be a part of you - those moments will always live within you and even though things may change you always have those memories to fish out from your memory bank and smile or laugh or even cry because of them. you may lose people in your life, but you never lose the people you knew, you just lost the people they become. you’ll always know who someone is when you had them, you just won’t know what they became and that’s okay because who they were becoming wasn’t meant to be a part of your future because then they would have made it there. it’s hard to remember things happen for a reason, it’s hard to be optimistic, but this is life and that’s what you have to do if you want to be able to wake up smiling and find the beauty in the birds chirping.
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