I think some of the best posts are posts about nothing; with no intention, no will, just the desire to write.
Three midterms in one week and you would think I’m ready to cry, but no. Chris is annoying me to no end though. He likes to be logical, and I like to eat my worries at restaurants. Apparently that’s a wallet issue; but it ain’t his wallet. Shoo.
I’ve learned today that Alyssa has Down Syndrome, Jason has CHARGE and Amanda has Pierre Robbin Sequence. Why do I know all of these lies? Because that is how I choose to study. Whomever presented the topic, is now inflicted with the topic. Tough break for Steph T who was just inflicted with HIV. Poor kid didn’t even know what hit her.
I love life. I wanna start up my running again; though with my old trainers. My new ones cause me to fall and nearly break my knee; that ain’t fun. But I am gonna take zumba soon so my latino rhythm will not be making a preview anytime soon seeming I have no rhythm but white girl rhythm and we all know how that goes.
As much as in the dumps as I have been, I have such amazing people around me to be in the dumps with. And at least things will be looking up in a few years down the line according to Ms. Tarot card lady. So I only have to wait a couple years for something good to happen in my life. No sweat. :)
I finally got to take my friends to NY; that was so fun. Umami. Yuuum.
I’m no longer vegetarian as of yesterday, but it’s giving me a lot of anxiety to not be so I think I may return to being one. I just don’t feel healthy anymore.
Some life changes need to be made and it’s about time I take action; after midterms though.
Yep. Tha’ts really all that’s on my mind.
LOVE YOU CHANCEY!
Fun fact! Dogs lick the mouths of those they consider higher in rank! So if you lick them back, they are not offended, they just don’t see themselves as higher than you and they are confused! The second dog must be a very loyal dog because he or she literally refuses to be licked back haha! I love dogs.
There is such a misconception about how we all define best friend. It changes daily, it changes all the time. It’s something that changes based off of where you are in life and what you need around you.
At this point, I can honestly say (probably for the hundredth time in my life) that I have the best friends possible. It’s so different to be surrounded by two people who actually want the best not only for you, but for your family as well. You have people who pretend they want the best for you, for your family, but I actually have friends now who put in the effort to make that happen. I’ve never had friends like that before. Refreshing.
I am just so lucky to be blessed in so many ways and so many new ways daily.
the fear stops the want (65/365)
My favorite quote comes into play today. I’ve learned and I’ve taken that high school discovered quote and came to terms with living it. “Things change, people, they all go away sooner or later. you can’t hold onto them anymore than you can hold onto the moonlight. if they’ve touched you, if they’re inside you, then they’re still yours. the only things you really have in this world are the things you hold inside your heart.” you may lose people, family, lovers, friends but in the end all of those moments you had with them, the good the bad the ugly were worth having. and you laughed and you cried together and you yelled at each other and you moved on and you forgot and you remembered and you left. but all of those different emotions you experienced together are still there, they’re still inside your heart. if you can remember their name, their face, anything at all they’re always going to be a part of you - those moments will always live within you and even though things may change you always have those memories to fish out from your memory bank and smile or laugh or even cry because of them. you may lose people in your life, but you never lose the people you knew, you just lost the people they become. you’ll always know who someone is when you had them, you just won’t know what they became and that’s okay because who they were becoming wasn’t meant to be a part of your future because then they would have made it there. it’s hard to remember things happen for a reason, it’s hard to be optimistic, but this is life and that’s what you have to do if you want to be able to wake up smiling and find the beauty in the birds chirping.
It’s difficult to move on with life when all the good things were taken away. You try to be happy, but can’t seem to forget the happier past you had, all the extra laughs, smiles, and private times that made you swoon. A part of you knows that you have so much, but a bigger part of you knows you lost your only true best friend and lover.
Sure I have had other best friends in the past, TJ was one of them, Kat was one of them, Caitlin was one of them, Kim was one of them, etc. the list goes on and on but those people didn’t stay in my life for a reason and my life seemed to only get better once they left, some it was more difficult than others, but it happened. The one who it was most difficult for, I had my true best friend to get me through it, I cried for like a month over TJ and that he wouldn’t be a part of my future and it still pains me a bit today, but what pains me most is that the only person who was there for me through it and before it and after it is now not there anymore. I don’t want to add him to that list above, I don’t want him to be a best friend of the past. I want him to be a part of my future in the most honorable way ever. I want to grow old with him, have kids with him and take care of each other when we’re sick. I want to watch him grow old and fail and succeed. And I want him to be a part of my growth and failures and successes. I want him to be there when I graduate and when I get my first job and second and last and when I retire. I want him to be on my side always. And even though we’re still the best of friends today, I’m sure soon enough he will also be added to that list above. It seems that you only lose better and better each time, and this is by no doubt going to be the hardest best friend for me to lose thus far, and hopefully ever.
This sounds pretty dramatic, but the thing is, while he is still my best friend today - things are obviously not what they were when we were together. Things are different, there’s a separation that wasn’t there before and that separation is killing me.
I’ve lost people I’ve cherished before, I’ve lost my grandma, I’ve lost the TJ I loved, I’m losing people still, and it gets harder, and I know that’s life and I know that’s what’s supposed to happen, but the thing is, it sucks ot experience it over and over and be hurt more each time; I have had beautiful friendships and relationships in my past and I’m blessed for them and so I just need to continue to be thankful for them and now that I have vented I can go back to life without worry and just embrace the wonderful people I’ve met and still have and never lost because without the people who I haven’t grown apart from, I wouldn’t be as happy as I am today despite the nature of this post. Sometimes you just have something weighing on your heart and you need to let it out, and that is what this is, so now I’m all better.
Catch ya later, alligator. <3
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