the fear stops the want (65/365)
My favorite quote comes into play today. I’ve learned and I’ve taken that high school discovered quote and came to terms with living it. “Things change, people, they all go away sooner or later. you can’t hold onto them anymore than you can hold onto the moonlight. if they’ve touched you, if they’re inside you, then they’re still yours. the only things you really have in this world are the things you hold inside your heart.” you may lose people, family, lovers, friends but in the end all of those moments you had with them, the good the bad the ugly were worth having. and you laughed and you cried together and you yelled at each other and you moved on and you forgot and you remembered and you left. but all of those different emotions you experienced together are still there, they’re still inside your heart. if you can remember their name, their face, anything at all they’re always going to be a part of you - those moments will always live within you and even though things may change you always have those memories to fish out from your memory bank and smile or laugh or even cry because of them. you may lose people in your life, but you never lose the people you knew, you just lost the people they become. you’ll always know who someone is when you had them, you just won’t know what they became and that’s okay because who they were becoming wasn’t meant to be a part of your future because then they would have made it there. it’s hard to remember things happen for a reason, it’s hard to be optimistic, but this is life and that’s what you have to do if you want to be able to wake up smiling and find the beauty in the birds chirping.
It’s difficult to move on with life when all the good things were taken away. You try to be happy, but can’t seem to forget the happier past you had, all the extra laughs, smiles, and private times that made you swoon. A part of you knows that you have so much, but a bigger part of you knows you lost your only true best friend and lover.
Sure I have had other best friends in the past, TJ was one of them, Kat was one of them, Caitlin was one of them, Kim was one of them, etc. the list goes on and on but those people didn’t stay in my life for a reason and my life seemed to only get better once they left, some it was more difficult than others, but it happened. The one who it was most difficult for, I had my true best friend to get me through it, I cried for like a month over TJ and that he wouldn’t be a part of my future and it still pains me a bit today, but what pains me most is that the only person who was there for me through it and before it and after it is now not there anymore. I don’t want to add him to that list above, I don’t want him to be a best friend of the past. I want him to be a part of my future in the most honorable way ever. I want to grow old with him, have kids with him and take care of each other when we’re sick. I want to watch him grow old and fail and succeed. And I want him to be a part of my growth and failures and successes. I want him to be there when I graduate and when I get my first job and second and last and when I retire. I want him to be on my side always. And even though we’re still the best of friends today, I’m sure soon enough he will also be added to that list above. It seems that you only lose better and better each time, and this is by no doubt going to be the hardest best friend for me to lose thus far, and hopefully ever.
This sounds pretty dramatic, but the thing is, while he is still my best friend today - things are obviously not what they were when we were together. Things are different, there’s a separation that wasn’t there before and that separation is killing me.
I’ve lost people I’ve cherished before, I’ve lost my grandma, I’ve lost the TJ I loved, I’m losing people still, and it gets harder, and I know that’s life and I know that’s what’s supposed to happen, but the thing is, it sucks ot experience it over and over and be hurt more each time; I have had beautiful friendships and relationships in my past and I’m blessed for them and so I just need to continue to be thankful for them and now that I have vented I can go back to life without worry and just embrace the wonderful people I’ve met and still have and never lost because without the people who I haven’t grown apart from, I wouldn’t be as happy as I am today despite the nature of this post. Sometimes you just have something weighing on your heart and you need to let it out, and that is what this is, so now I’m all better.
Catch ya later, alligator. <3
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